Entry 1

I am going to start with the most unimaginative title ever. Why am I expected to succeed. What is stopping me from letting myself just fail. My brother died. It was awful. I am a devout Catholic. Well, mildly devout. Did you know the bible says you should mourn for 3 days? That is it. 3 days, that is all you are allowed. I think Simon and Garfunkle said it best, "silence like a cancer grows". I have remained silent almost all of my life. Remained silent to appease everyone. I dislike no one. Well, no one but the haters. If haters say you got to hate well then fine, I hate you. I think I have spent far too much time trying to appease everyone else. I am tired. I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy at my own expense. I was punched in the face this last year. I try to make everyone happy, my best friend described me as wanting to teach music to special needs kids, and I was punched in the face. I am at my sister-in-laws house right now. She doesn't think I can handle her 2 kids at the same time. The state of Michigan says I can handle a class of over 40 students but my sister-in-law doesn't trust me with her 2. My nephew and niece, one my goddaughter (to my sister-in-laws credit). I love my sister-in-law. I love her kids. They are all I have left of my brother. I am not even sure if I will have kids someday. If I don't, these kids could be the only heirs of my father. I am trying to write every night, I don't know about what. Right now it seems like it is just a random collection of thoughts without any structure. Maybe that is an analogy of my life. I am tired, I am lonely, and I just want to be able to sleep.... sleep... sleep...