I feel d

I feel d like someone is reading this

Death

I had a friend die this past week. It is impossible not to relate this to the recent death of my brother. It seems like the fragility of life is making itself ever more apparent. I did not know Max that well. He was a camper at the place I work. I connected with him when I heard my coworkers complaining about caring for him. I went to see what I could do to help and I watched them asking everyone for advice but Max. I wanted Max to know that this was not a reflection on the camp but rather the new employees. We talked about movies and books and philosophy and religion. He was very well informed and educated. In the short time I spent with him, I grew quite fond of him. He made a point to express his sympathies for me over my brothers death which is more than I can say for many "friends".
Max you will be missed. Please say hello to my brother for me.

Entry 1

I am going to start with the most unimaginative title ever. Why am I expected to succeed. What is stopping me from letting myself just fail. My brother died. It was awful. I am a devout Catholic. Well, mildly devout. Did you know the bible says you should mourn for 3 days? That is it. 3 days, that is all you are allowed. I think Simon and Garfunkle said it best, "silence like a cancer grows". I have remained silent almost all of my life. Remained silent to appease everyone. I dislike no one. Well, no one but the haters. If haters say you got to hate well then fine, I hate you. I think I have spent far too much time trying to appease everyone else. I am tired. I am tired of trying to make everyone else happy at my own expense. I was punched in the face this last year. I try to make everyone happy, my best friend described me as wanting to teach music to special needs kids, and I was punched in the face. I am at my sister-in-laws house right now. She doesn't think I can handle her 2 kids at the same time. The state of Michigan says I can handle a class of over 40 students but my sister-in-law doesn't trust me with her 2. My nephew and niece, one my goddaughter (to my sister-in-laws credit). I love my sister-in-law. I love her kids. They are all I have left of my brother. I am not even sure if I will have kids someday. If I don't, these kids could be the only heirs of my father. I am trying to write every night, I don't know about what. Right now it seems like it is just a random collection of thoughts without any structure. Maybe that is an analogy of my life. I am tired, I am lonely, and I just want to be able to sleep.... sleep... sleep...